Monicah's having a baby!

Posted by:  Helen (despite what it says underneath this post)

Life here in Kenya is so often different to living in the UK, so I find myself asking, what things are the same? What might our friends and family in the UK have in common with our new Kenyan friends?

With so many folk we love back home busy raising young families (you know who you are, you lovely people), I hereby present for you all a post on the universal experiences of love, marriage and starting a family...

INTRODUCING: Monicah!
Here she is at our office for the KUB

My colleague Monicah trained to be a special needs teacher, so she reads Braille despite having no visual impairment. She is currently the receptionist at Kenya Union of the Blind. She and her husband Daudi are having a baby, due in April. Monicah and I sat together in her small and comfy living room one Friday afternoon, ate bean stew and she filled me in on what it’s like to be a mum-to-be in Kenya.

My husband and I both studied at Kenyatta University (Nairobi), but we did not meet for a long time. We knew each other’s families from back home in the village; he knew mine was a good Christian family with educated daughters and I knew his family had a tractor business and I knew his sisters from school. On Valentine’s Day in my third year he called me! Wow! I loved his voice and told my friends, ‘I love this guy’s voice’ but we did not meet for a while after that.

Our first date was in 2008 but I did not think he was the one for me, and I told him that. But we kept seeing each other and he made me laugh so much. We were living close to each other and I started to work at KUB in Embakasi and I would finish work just as he was travelling to a late shift. He works for Safaricom in Customer Care. So we would meet up at the Roundabout, but when that guy was late – I would get so annoyed!  

In 2010 when I was 24, he said he wanted to formalise our relationship, so we arranged introductions to each other’s parents. When Daudi met my parents he brought a friend with him to help with the talking. He said, ‘I’m interested in your daughter – I would like to ask for her hand in marriage’. Then my Dad welcomed him to the family. He asked Daudi, ‘How do you intend to make this marriage official?’ But Daudi did not have an answer ready! His friend said they would confirm at a later date.

I rented a place in the same building as his, and then only 4 months later we couldn’t wait any more - we moved in together last year. Daudi had to pay bride price for me. Do you have bride price in your country? He had to pay a certain number of cows and goats, because now I would be part of his family. He had to pay more for me because I am educated and so will contribute more to his family through my salary. I don’t know how much his family paid for me – the women are not involved in that. Although I think my mother knows.

< I think I need to interject. In this highly religious, mainly Christian culture, all the people I’ve met in Kenya feel they need to be married before starting a family. But here, when people talk about being ‘married’, they’ve not always had a ceremony. Joining families together with this kind of transaction, moving in together or simply deciding to call each other husband and wife is very common. Before we arrived in Kenya, I was worried that it might be ‘not done’ for Dan and I to live together here and not be married. But I was wrong; it’s a very Kenyan thing to do. Lots of couples are saving for a wedding, and having their family while they wait - just like Monicah and Daudi. And you can’t get away with a small wedding here; if you invite 300 people, 600 will show up and all expect to be fed. So couples hold ‘wedding meetings’, or harambees (fundraisers) to ask for cash from the community to fund this large event. Alternatively, those who have ‘become married’ might never get around to the actual ceremony. I could easily dedicate an entire post to marriage - polygamy is legal here – but let’s get back to Monicah’s story... >

I found out I was pregnant in June, it had taken a year. I had been really worried and my in-laws were very worried when it did not happen straight away. When I thought I was expecting I went to my Gyno and he did a test. We were so happy, Daudi took me to lunch at a lovely hotel in town, and said, ‘I may not go to work today!’ I told my mother, and she said not to tell anyone else as there are so many things that can happen. I was worried that everyone could tell because my navel looked pregnant, so as I got bigger I never made an announcement but I stopped denying it. Lots of people found out from people I knew, but they had never asked me directly.

The Gyno we pay for gives me a scan every month, and every month I am taking a picture of myself growing and pasting it into a book, along with the results of that month’s check-up. My husband’s sister has taken the camera on a trip and I am saying, it needs to be back before the next check-up so I can take my picture!  

Check out the intimate cover stories...highly informative

I’ve been reading magazines to learn about pregnancy and birth. I think my mother is hiding the worst bits from me so I’ve also been talking to my friends and sisters. My doctor gives me good advice, but now I always take my husband for those check-ups. When I went by myself I was told ‘avoid heavy lifting’ and ‘avoid standing for a long time’ - Daudi heard this and thought I was lying just to get out of doing the laundry! We now have a lady who comes to wash the clothes, or sometimes he even does it himself. As I get bigger, my younger sister will come and live with us to help around the house and cook. The lady who comes in will wash the floors, walls, kitchen so I can rest.

Women are given 3 months maternity leave usually, but I am not sure how much KUB will give me. It is normal to stop working 2-3 weeks before the due date your doctor gives you, but I am feeling strong so I don’t plan to take any time off before I deliver. That way I will get 3 months at home with the baby.  

I won’t have a baby shower. Two friends of mine held baby showers and they got too excited, too overwhelmed and then they went to the doctors and the baby was not moving. They both lost their babies. So I am being careful. When my brother was hurt in an accident I waited until I heard he would be OK – I didn’t want to see him and upset myself, it is better for the baby. Instead we’ll have a party when the baby is one month old.

I will expect my husband and his family to drop everything when I call to say I’m having the baby. They’ll want to check the ward has been booked for me. I’m not sure where I’ll have the baby; it depends where my Gyno books me a bed. I hope it will be the Nairobi Women’s hospital. Some hospitals will allow the man to be there for the birth, and I would let him, but if there’s more than one woman in the labour ward, they don’t allow it.

If it is a normal birth, I will be home 2 days later. I’ve never had a baby before so my big sister will come and tell me all about it, how to breast feed. The lady who comes will do the cooking and cleaning. My mother in law can also come to stay. My own mother can visit but she cannot stay over as we are not in the same family anymore. It is just not allowed in our culture; I am part of my husband’s family now.

Once I am back at work, my husband or the lady who comes will need to bring the baby in at lunchtime, for breastfeeding. I’ve already told him he’ll need to do that.

Every month, my doctor checks the baby’s heart beat and does a scan. I had one scare but the baby was OK. When we go this month, we’re finding out if there are two babies. That would be OK; there are twins in my husband’s family. There is a guy making us a baby bed but we’ve told him to stop until we know if the bed is for one or two babies. Daudi does not want to know if they are boys or girls, but I need to know as I’ll be doing most of the shopping. We have to buy furniture, and lotion and all the normal baby things. It is so expensive.

Last month, I was weighed and wrote the number of kgs in the book I update every month. My husband saw it and said ‘You are heavier than a sack of maize!’ so I wrote that down too.  I find it so interesting to be pregnant and I can’t wait for the D-day - I'm counting all this as the favour of God.